Dear friends, family, acquaintances, and people who encounter me regularly,
I am sorry for being a lesser version of myself. I say that because I expect no sympathy – I made this choice, and it’s a choice, not a health condition. I still haven’t figured out my limitations, probably because they seem to change a lot, and those limitations conspire to reduce my ability to engage civilly, and some days at all. I completely understand if you’d like to opt out for the next 4 months; I would as well, and not just in your position but my own. See, I miss who I was before this whole pregnancy. I enjoyed having the energy to get done all the things around the house, and meet people for coffee (which I now can’t have), or making dinner. My expectations, that seem high now, are based off what I was able to do before, and I’m not asking of anyone what I did not willingly do myself. The problem is that I just can’t anymore, and for no real reason.
The lack of a reason is what frustrates me the most. In my opinion, being pregnant is a terrible excuse and I refuse to make it. I’m just not up to it anymore, like having a permanent case of the blahs. That, in turn, makes me a less pleasant person than before, and really, I wasn’t that pleasant to begin with! The only thing I can say is that I often don’t realize when I’m being awful and it’s not an intentional slight to any person – you just happened to get caught in the crossfire of my poor mood, and some days I can’t seem to pull my bootstraps out of the mire. Those times I do realize it, and do it anyway? Well, there’s really no excuse for that. As near I can figure, I’ve just completely run out of steam and have no energy left to put into any sort of social niceties, and the result is something similar to the “terrible twos”. Those times, I don’t even have the energy to care.
The more I think about it, the less I like the person I’m turning into, and the less I seem able to modulate it. So I apologize for what has been, and is yet to come, poor behavior, attitudes, and speech from me. The best I can offer you is that I won’t take it personally when you get frustrated with me, or leave me out of things.
I’d probably prefer it anyway.