Life as a New Mom

A first-time mom adjusting to her new everything


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Another landmark, and other goings-on

I am so excited to finally have hit my double-digit countdown to my due date.  It makes it seem attainable, something I really need right now.  Lately, every evening I’ve felt like absolute rubbish, dealing with pain and unable to have any downtime after work.

After my doctor’s appointment last week, it doesn’t look like that’s going away any time soon.  I was diagnosed with sciatica, and it isn’t something they can “fix” because sciatica is caused by some other condition – in my case, pregnancy.  Their stated goal with treatment is to diminish the pain by 50%.  So I would still be in near-constant pain, just a lesser degree of it.  And the treatment?  Is going to either a physical therapist or chiropractor, multiple times a week.  I’m not interested in doing that, because our insurance doesn’t cover the cost of anything until we hit our deductible, and there’s no resolution.  It doesn’t make sense to me, rational or financial, to pay someone to treat me multiple times a week, miss work because I have to be at said treatments, and pay out-of-pocket for those treatments, when the condition causing the problem isn’t going to get fixed.  I talked it over with my husband and decided that I will not pursue treatment for those reasons.

A lot of my life seems taken up by concerns lately.  We just found out a good friend moved up his wedding to the end of September, and it means a lot to my husband that I attend.  Since he seldom asks things like that of me, I agreed to go and go approved for time off from work (looking forward to that part!).  But the wedding is an 8-hour car ride away with only 1 pit stop.  I can’t imagine how many we’ll need this time around, but I’m thinking at least one every 2 hours, plus the discomfort of riding in a car for that long.  I’ll be 4 days away from 8 months pregnant the day of the wedding, we’ll be staying with people I’d rather not, and the entire trip will occur over just 4 days.  I know I can do it, I’m just nervous about being a nuisance on the drive.  I did stand up for myself though, and told my husband that if he wanted me to go then we would have to leave earlier than we normally do, at noon instead of late afternoon, so he would have to take a half-day off at work.  When we leave, we’ll leave early morning the day after, for the same reasons: I get worse in the evenings, so it will be exponentially harder for me to leave late.

I swear, some days I wonder how I’ll possibly live with this until the baby drops.  Then I remember I don’t have a choice.  So I live with it.

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Open letter to all who knew me

Dear friends, family, acquaintances, and people who encounter me regularly,

I am sorry for being a lesser version of myself.  I say that because I expect no sympathy – I made this choice, and it’s a choice, not a health condition.  I still haven’t figured out my limitations, probably because they seem to change a lot, and those limitations conspire to reduce my ability to engage civilly, and some days at all.  I completely understand if you’d like to opt out for the next 4 months; I would as well, and not just in your position but my own.  See, I miss who I was before this whole pregnancy.  I enjoyed having the energy to get done all the things around the house, and meet people for coffee (which I now can’t have), or making dinner.  My expectations, that seem high now, are based off what I was able to do before, and I’m not asking of anyone what I did not willingly do myself.  The problem is that I just can’t anymore, and for no real reason.

The lack of a reason is what frustrates me the most.  In my opinion, being pregnant is a terrible excuse and I refuse to make it.  I’m just not up to it anymore, like having a permanent case of the blahs.  That, in turn, makes me a less pleasant person than before, and really, I wasn’t that pleasant to begin with!  The only thing I can say is that I often don’t realize when I’m being awful and it’s not an intentional slight to any person – you just happened to get caught in the crossfire of my poor mood, and some days I can’t seem to pull my bootstraps out of the mire.  Those times I do realize it, and do it anyway?  Well, there’s really no excuse for that.  As near I can figure, I’ve just completely run out of steam and have no energy left to put into any sort of social niceties, and the result is something similar to the “terrible twos”.  Those times, I don’t even have the energy to care.

The more I think about it, the less I like the person I’m turning into, and the less I seem able to modulate it.  So I apologize for what has been, and is yet to come, poor behavior, attitudes, and speech from me.  The best I can offer you is that I won’t take it personally when you get frustrated with me, or leave me out of things.

I’d probably prefer it anyway.

Love,
Me